Truth-I am unhappy. I am anxious. I am stressed. I am angry. I have been parenting mostly alone for over 22 years, and since the divorce I am all alone managing the hearts and lives of all five kids. They need me, a lot. There are five kids with big needs daily, from anxiety, to depression, to LGBTQ+ realizations, to relationships, to medical needs, to ADHD and ASD, plus all the typical kid things like school, work, activities, friends, feelings, and milestones. I am tired, and it is a lot to have on one person, especially when that person is also working full time at full capacity to ensure we have a safe home and cars, food, and security. It feels like a day doesn't pass when there isn't some crisis with a child, even if I would consider it small, if it feels big to them, it is big to me too, and I assume their feelings, I take on their hurt, fear, sadness, and anger. It can be too much to bear some days.
I am angry that I am 47 and have not had a space in my own life since I was 24, and I do sometimes feel like I was robbed of a life. My kid's dad doesn't want to parent, he never has, and he has no relationship with 3/5 kids and the other two he is fun dad for 22 total hours a month. He provides no support to me beyond child support, and some of that is iffy, and he is absolutely hateful to me, and allows his anger for how his life has turned out to be directed at me, even when it isn't my fault. I again, take that on while still working daily to meet the needs of the kids, and somehow take basic care of myself. Consider for a moment what that is like, the other parent refuses to parent, refuses to be involved, refuses to responsible and then attacks me for doing all that and tells me what crap I am, its great.
So I guess that leads to the intentionality part. I am trying to process all my feelings and be intentional about them. I did loads of therapy after the divorce to deal with the years of emotional abuse I endured and to accept that everything is not my fault. I believe I am a good parent, I believe I am a good person, and that is progress, but I also somehow need to have a life here too. I can't just keep going until I die, working and being a mom, and never get a chance to be happy. So I guess I will start with trying to deal with the feelings I feel and start to create space between the children's wants and needs to find a space for myself. I am going to try to be intentional in my choices, and hope it brings me more peace and happiness, because this constant state of anxiety and stress is too much to bear for much longer.
